One Month

Hannah is a month old today. One whole month. This summer has felt like a dream. Filled with feelings and emotions that were so strong and crossed over such a spectrum that they almost felt unreal - yet they were very real. And it has been the longest/shortest month ever. When I think back to the beginning it feels like it was ages ago. Yet I sit here feeling almost a sense of confusion - how  did I get here? Some dreams feel like they last an eternity when you are in them. Then you wake up and look at the clock and see you were only asleep for 20 minutes. That's how this month has been - a total time warp. 

I remember when I first arrived in Africa. We were taken to the mission home and after interviews were taken to help with dinner prep at the mission president's house. The food tasted so vibrant. I remember thinking, "is this what a tomato is supposed to taste like?! What have I been eating all these years?!" It was as if suddenly my culinary world went from black and white to vivid Willy Wonka-ish color. 

I have these same thoughts as I reflect on the last month. The large shift in pregnancy hormones of course plays a huge role in all of it. But I feel as though my feelings and emotions have, for good and bad, been so much more poignant than I experience in regular life. They are vibrant and colorful. I think back to the fiery reds and oranges that colored my life the week before Hannah was born. I was SO DONE. I was having false labor day after day and night after night. I was absolutely exhausted and the frustration was almost consuming. I am so grateful my parents made the trek out that last week. The simple act of coming and providing a diversion was like cool water quenching those flames. They brought with them a calmness and peace and steadiness. 

Then the day finally came. Our sweet Hannah was here. The pain of labor and delivery I felt with her I hadn't felt since Rachel. And yet the unmistakable grace I experienced as I wrestled through the delivery I will never forget. That moment bonded Hannah and I. That's why she is called Hannah Rose. Hannah means Grace. Rose means she is mine. Through a series of unfortunate events Paul didn't feel up to cutting the cord. I believe that was more serendipitous than unfortunate though. The doctor let me cut the cord instead. That paradoxical moment where an act to separate brought Hannah and I even closer together is one I will always cherish. 

It happened a month ago. And it feels like an eternity ago. Yet she just got here. How could she be a month old already?

While the levels of fatigue and frustration have soared to new heights, the vibrancy of love and joy have far surpassed them. The hard part has been experiencing both extremes all in one day on a consistent daily basis. Fatigue is a given. Frustration comes in many forms and sometimes completely blindsides me. Nursing has been more of a challenge than I ever remember and is probably the greatest source of struggle. Open sores cause more pain than I can stand sometimes. And so I cry out in defeat and grab a bottle to calm a hungry crying baby. I want so desperately to be the one to create and provide the nourishment for this sweet little girl. And in the moments when it doesn't hurt so bad it is such a wonderful bonding experience. Gazing down at her sweet face while she snuggles against my skin and eats is a moment when I feel like I'm filling the measure of my creation. It's a feeling that is so beautiful and vivid and the inability to provide that for her brings a feeling of disappointment that is equally as vivid. And though my logical mind says, "she is FINE. YOU are FINE. Feed her a bottle and quit worrying!" the feelings are far too poignant to logic my way through. So I cry. Crying, too, helps to dilute the vibrancy of those feelings making them much more manageable. Good thing I have a patient husband who is a good listener with a strong shoulder.

And fortunately the good far outweighs the bad. The intensity of joy and love is heart bursting. Feeling her sleep so silently on my chest. I have woken up several nights with quite a stiff neck because I couldn't bring myself to put her down. This stage is over so fast. I can't miss a minute of it.

Watching Ben snuggle up to her on the bed melts me. He sings "you are my sunshine" to her over and over and she loves it. She adores him.

Caleb squeals in delight every time he holds her (which lasts all of ten seconds). "Wook Mom!! Hannah is so tyoooot!! Awwwwe! Hi Hannah!" It's adorable.

Abby's motherly concern for her is a sight to behold. She can't stand it when she cries. She just has to fix it even if it means takin her out of her cradle herself to hold her and rock her. We've had to watch her like a hawk.

And Rachel. Sweet Rachel. Mother #2. Interestingly enough it's not her love for Hannah that moves me, but her love for the other kids. She has stepped up in amazing ways and my heart just grows and grows as I watch her with her younger siblings. She knows that caring for Hannah falls solely on me at this stage and so she has taken on the other three. The way she works so well with Ben as they formulate a daily plan of attack. The way she lets Abby tag along and makes her feel so special and important. The way Caleb absolutely adores her. When he is sad or tired or hungry or hurt, it's Rachel he wants. I find the two of them snuggling all the time. I love it.

And I adore their dad. Oh how I adore him. I am moved to tears every time he gets a smile out of Hannah. Watching his face as he ever so lovingly gazes into her eyes and she into his just fills my soul with more joy than I ever thought possible.

It is far and away my favorite thing. Watching your eternal companion love the children you have created together has to be one of life's greatest pleasures. It is the definition of the phrase "that you may have joy and rejoicing in your posterity."

A Day in the Life...

Our typical summer day (prebaby) starts with school lunch at Ashley Elementary. 

The lunch is free for kids and it's one less thing I have to think of, fix, and clean up! After lunch we will often do something fun and productive like go to the library...

...play in the sprinklers/slip n slide...

...or make a craft. These are old flower pots we got from Grandma's shed.

We are glad to have things to fill our days with while we wait for baby to come. But we're all getting antsy! Hurry up baby girl!! We're ready for you!

Stages

Stages of life. They come and go so quickly. Like a small town on a long highway, you blink and you miss it. Some stages are more short lived than others, and it isn't until you've lived through them and can look back on them that you can truly appreciate them. And I don't know that I will ever be able to truly appreciate each stage of my life until I've lived through them again with each one of my kids. It makes me grateful to be in this particular "family stage" right now because we have so many stages going on in our house all at once.

 We have the newborn stage...

Long naps, lots of snuggling, and sweet silent simplicity define this stage. I'm convinced that holding a sleeping newborn on your chest is therapy for the soul. The first time I experienced the newborn stage I feared the constant feedings and diapers and sleepless nights were our new normal and would last forever. Fortunately I know enough now to enjoy the midnight feedings and quiet bonding moments because I know it will be over too soon.

Then there is the toddler stage...

Here Caleb is hard at work while Daddy gets some bishoping done. I love this stage too. Lots of sound effects. Lots of exploring and discovering. A vocabulary that increases ten fold each week. Learning to create order out of chaos (note the long line of hot wheels) and creating more chaos in the process. It is a lively and exciting and fun stage. It is exhausting in its own way, yet it too is over in the blink of an eye. And the transition from toddler to full on kid is a lot more subtle. For instance I never really noticed when Ben started saying his "r's" - "brother" instead of "bwothow". I miss it and would have tried to delight in it a bit more if I'd known it was ending.

Then there is the little kid stage...

Older than a toddler in many ways but not quite a big kid. It's a great stage because it involves a lot of both worlds. She's big enough to understand and play with the older siblings but still little enough to have quality play time with her little brother. She flies back and forth between the two stages effortlessly. She always wants to push the limits and try new things. She is testing boundaries which is both good and bad. Her little (but oh so big) spirit is developing in new and glorious ways. 

The we have the big kid stage...

This is the stage where I can't keep the kid in clothes that fit to save my life. I feel like he is two inches taller every time he wakes up. His independence is growing each day. We trust him more to do bigger things. He is so helpful with his siblings. We are seeing the way the Lord is preparing him for baptism. He "gets it" when we study scriptures as a family now. Instead of offering up the typical "Sunday school answers" in FHE or during family scripture study we are seeing him actually thinking about and processing what he reads. He is more capable physically and sports have taken on a new level of excitement in his life. 

Then there is the pre-preteen stage...

So anxious to grow up. 9 going on 19. Not yet delving into the "boys, hair, makeup" stage but I sense it's not far off in the distant future anymore either. (Boys still have cooties...most of them). More than that though is the unquenchable thirst for responsibility. Being "in charge" is a great place to be. Babysitting is fun (most of the time). Being trusted with greater responsibilities brings on a sense of pride and strength. It's fun to try new grown up things. But she is still able to transition back into a little girl. Playing dolls with Abby is still fun (so long as there's nothing else to do.)

So we are surrounded by some of the best stages of life all at once. The tricky part, I'm finding, is in enjoying them all at the same time. Sometimes it feels like I'm trying to watch 5 different TV shows all at once. How can I possibly appreciate every bit of every show? How can I focus on one without forgetting four others? How can I truly enjoy the sweet newborn stage without missing something silly the toddler did or something new the little kid discovered or the two inches the big kid grew or the questions the pre-preteen is asking? How do you take a drink out of a fire hydrant? 

I guess that's where you trust in a loving Father in Heaven. He who has been through these and infinitely more stages with infinitely more children will help us to parent this crew all at once however daunting it feels. We can enjoy the sweet and joyful and exciting and new and wonderful moments knowing that they are gone in the blink of an eye and his strength helps us to wade through the hard moments that are all part of the package deal as well. 

Our kitchen - A. Part series. Part 1

At Christmas Paul and I noticed the floor boards in front of the kitchen sink had suddenly warped. It seemed almost overnight!! It was so bad that you could cut your foot on the sharp edges and corners sticking up if you weren't careful. We covered the boards with a rug to keep our feet safe. After the holidays were over we began taking down Christmas stuff. Paul went into the crawl space to put the tree away and that's when he saw it. The crawl space against the back wall of the house had flooded. Water was pouring down the side of the wall as I washed dishes upstairs in the kitchen. Several boxes of stuff were soaked and completely ruined. Fortunately those boxes only contained junk that we needed to get rid of anyway. Mold had begun to grow in them, on the banana chair, and who knows what else. We got the mess all cleaned up and the next day we called the insurance company. They told us to immediately find a plumber and get the leak fixed. We called Daniel Angus of Campbell plumbing after receiving recommendations from others about him. He came in and pulled out all the insulation in that area of the crawl space to reveal EXTENSIVE damage to the subfloor and floor joists. This was worse than we thought. The insurance adjuster came out next. He was very thorough in his inspection and determined that we would basically need a new kitchen. The subfloor and part of the floor joist would need to be replaced. That meant ripping everything out down to the bones. Due to the way the cabinets were installed there would be no way to get them out without ruining them. So we would need new of those as well. And you can't replace a few lower cabinets only - the rest of the kitchen wouldn't match. So it ALL needed to be replaced. HOLY COW. I was absolutely floored. He sent his report off to the insurance company and we prepared to have our lives turned upside down...

Sleepy

Tiny thing. I love it when she falls asleep in my hand while I'm burping her.

Is there anything better than a sleeping baby? I don't think so. I love (mostly) nighttime feelings. The world is asleep. Everything is calm and quiet. No one else is awake needing attention. It's my special bonding time with the baby. I realize this stage won't last very long and frankly I don't know if I'll get to have this stage ever again so I'm trying to eat it up and enjoy it while it lasts. Paul has been sleeping in the spare room for the last couple of weeks. It's been a huge blessing because I can be awake feeding Hannah and I don't need to worry about waking him up. And he can get a good night sleep and be the functioning sane daytime parent for the rest of the kids. So night time becomes bonding time for me and the baby. 

1:00 am has been her "Happy Hour". 

I don't know how long that wil last...good thing she's so cute!!

There is just nothing like snuggling with a new sleeping baby!!

These Two

These two crack me up. Towards the end of my pregnancy the only thing they have wanted to play is "baby". They pick a toy (Abby picks her baby Belinda, and Caleb picks Super Why or his stuffed horse, or any other large-ish toy) and they come in and have me stuff it under their shirt to be their "baby". I wonder why?...

Here is me two days before the sweet Hannah bean joined our family.

Glad to give them a new game to play. 

Cuties.

Fantasy Canyon

These kids. I kind of adore them. I can't believe how big they are getting. (And how horrible I am at documenting their lives.  

We took the 5 of them (2 week old Hannah not pictured) to lunch here at The Pipeline. It's a trailer parked out in the middle of nowhere that is run by a master chef and easily accessible to oil field workers.

Then we went on farther to Fantasy Canyon out past Ouray. They call it mini Goblin Valley. You can see why...

It was our very first family outing as the 7 of us (and I can't believe I didn't get a pic of Hannah but she just stayed in her car seat because it was windy and drizzling.) I was a bit apprehensive at the idea of going out so far with a brand new baby to a place we had never been to before. There was a lot of washboard dirt road and even some parts that were washed out. But Paul in his wisdom helped us to do hard things. His optimism carries us grumpy guys through. It's hard to drive for an hour to an unknown destination over twisting washboard road with cranky kids and a brand new baby. But once we finally found it everyone had a really good time. Our Dad helps us to do hard things. And I am so grateful to him for that. Because now we have a wonderful family memory.